Stupid is as Stupid Does
by Emantsal
Summary: Skyrim is a big place and the Dragonborn is always up to something. Tiny pieces of a life. Some funny. Some sad.
1. Chapter 1

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

By: Emantsal1A

Chapter 1 – Purple Satin

Farkas entered Jorvaskar and proceeded to walk through the busy dining area toward the stairs that led down to his room in the lower level that served as the sleeping quarters of the resident companions. It was dinner time and everyone not out on a job was busy drinking and stuffing their faces with the wonderful foods Freila always served.

He was tired and hungry. All he wanted to do was get out of his stinking armor and get cleaned up enough to grab something to eat. Then he was going to sleep for a week. Damn draugr and spiders. Gods he hated spiders…

He stopped and was about to reach for a boiled cream tart to tide him over until he could change and wash up, when he noticed everyone had stopped whatever they were doing and was looking at him.

"What?" he asked, picking the pastry up and cramming half of it into his mouth.

"I see our Harbinger has been busy at the forge," Vilkas observed, looking over the new armor Farkas was wearing.

Farkas replied after he swallowed the rest of the tart. "Yea. She gave it to me right before we left last week." He snatched a chicken leg from a platter and turned to continue to his room.

"It's very impressive. And the detail work is exceptional," Athis commented as he reached for another piece of chicken.

"And is that a new sword and shield as well?" Nadia asked.

"And a new bow?" Aela piped in.

"And before anyone asks, new underwear," Farkas offered as he walked away, seemingly unflustered by their attempts to get a rise from him. "Purple satin. Custom made and hand fitted," he called back over his shoulder before descending the stairs.

Around the table the laughter was good natured and finally quieted down as everyone resumed their meal.

"I'd like some new armor," Vilkas mused as he sipped his wine, absent mindedly scratching an itch on the back of his neck. Stupid rough under shirt.


	2. Chapter 2

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

By: Emantsal

Chapter 2 – Why does he always get the crazy ones?

"Argis, get off your butt and head over to Vindrel Hall," Raerek called out upon entering the barracks. "Our newest Thane just bought it this morning, and the Jarl decided that you would be the perfect Housecarl. "

"I'm not a butler.. or a maid," the warrior said, continuing to clean and polish his old armor with a soft cloth. What had he done to piss the Jarl off now?

"You _are_ whatever your Jarl tells you you are. So get over there. A cleaning crew is already on the way, along with a whole house full of furniture."

Argis finished dressing, and grabbing his weapon and shield, stalked out of the barracks and over to the Jarl's palace.

"My Jarl, I have ever sworn to guard and protect you and Markarth with my life. If I could…"

"No. I already know what you want, Argis the Bulwark, and the answer is no. You _will_ be the housecarl for our new Thane." Jarl Igmund said, not even bothering to glance up from the scroll he was reading. "Tread lightly, warrior. She is not someone you want to anger. Nor am I." With those last words, he did look up, his gaze rock hard.

The warrior bowed his head and turned to leave, back ram rod straight. He would do his duty to his Jarl… and this new Thane.

She? He shook his head.

A woman. Gods help him…..

He just hoped she wasn't like the last woman the Jarl had ordered him to guard. The Jarl's sister-in-law had been a total nut case, believing herself to be the Queen of Cats. Crazy cat lady indeed.

The new Thane showed up a week later in the middle of the afternoon, wearing a full set of plate Ebony armor. It looked brand new, and the workmanship was beyond excellent.

Upon entering the house she immediately called for a servant and requested a bath.

All he could tell was that she was a Nord and of average height. The armor covered her from head to toe, the helmet concealing most of her face. But her voice! It was something else. It commanded. Strong and sure. Like nothing he had ever heard…

Some two hours later she came out of her quarters barefoot, wearing loose linen trousers and a sleeveless linen tunic with a towel wrapped around her hair. Stepping down into the dining area she walked to the table and grabbed a boiled cream tart the cook has prepared, stuffing half of it into her mouth. Reaching up she undid the towel and Argis watched a veritable waterfall of golden silk cascade down her back.

By the nine, she reminded him of one of those sable cats… sleek, powerful, deadly… and then she turned to face him. The look on her face immediately made him take a step back. She was a huntress, a lioness… and he was being sized up as prey…

Twenty minutes later she had him stripped down to his underwear and was measuring him for new armor. His present armor just wouldn't do, she'd said matter-of-factly.

With her kneeling down between his legs to measure his inseam, he couldn't help but look down. The room was warm, and she reached up and moved the golden tresses of silken hair from her neck, revealing a vicious scar running from her scalp down under the light tunic she wore.

Her arms, too, he noticed, were covered in scars. Some small. Others long and jagged looking. And when she looked up and asked what kind of under armor he preferred, he couldn't help noticing the thin weal of raised flesh running from the corner of her left eye down her cheek to disappear behind her ear.

No milk maid here. This was a warrior. A seasoned warrior.

"Always wore heavy weave linen when I was in the Jarl's army," he replied, returning his gaze to the wall in front of him.

"Have you ever worn any enchanted armor?" she asked, standing now to write down something in a little book on the table.

"Had a pretty good enchanted shield one time. Gave it to my brother when he joined the Stormcloaks."

"Can you use a bow?" she asked, gesturing for him to raise him arm out to the side so she could measure it.

"I can use one, just not too good at hitting a moving target anymore," he replied, honestly. With only one good eye, it was hard to focus on things that were moving.

"Any sight left in that eye?" she asked, all business as she reached around him to measure his chest.

"Blury shapes, shadows." It didn't keep him from… hum – she smelled nice…

"Can you hit large flying targets?" she asked, measuring his neck and then a bicep.

"Flying targets? You mean like eagles? Hawks?" He stooped down a little when she reached up to measure his head.

"Dragons," she replied, turning around to write more numbers in her little book.

He just stared at her. Dragons? Dragons? He shook his head. Why in the names of the nine did he always get the crazy ones…..


	3. Chapter 3

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

By: Emantsal

Chapter 3 – The First One

She remembered exactly what it felt like.

Cold, hungry, so scared…

Helpless. Hopeless.

It would have been so easy to just give up. But something deep inside always kept fighting. Whatever it took to make it through the day, through the night.

The girl was selling flowers again. This was the second time Mila Ironfist had come to Windhelm, and the child was still living on the cold streets.

Mila buys some flowers from the girl, but she can't linger. She is on an important job for the Jarl, and on her way to the palace. She cannot delay. It is that important.

Later, well past midnight, she makes her way to the local inn. In a corner of one of the stone walls, curled up as small as possible, the child sleeps on the cold ground. Light snow was falling, and by in the morning no one would even know she was there if she died in her sleep, if the cold slowed her heartbeat, if the wind stripped what little body heat she had from her bones…

She remembered just wanting to be warm, and… selling her body meant at least she would be warm for a while, and maybe get some food for her empty belly. She had no one after the Empire swept through her village. No one cared, just another orphan of the war.

Was the child her problem? No. Was the child her responsibility? No. Should she let herself care? Probably not…

But she remembered… exactly what it felt like.

And so, not letting herself think, she wraps the child in her coat and enters the inn.

Maybe saving the world would start here…

And the dragons? They would still be there when she was ready.


	4. Chapter 4

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

By: Emantsal

Chapter 4 – I Need To Trade Some Things With You…

"Well?" Vilkas asked, sitting down beside his rival with two mugs of ale, one for himself, the other for the newest contestant in the race.

"I don't know. She won't say who she's interested in. Just smiles and ask me to carry something every time I mention that Amulet of Mara she's wearing around her neck," Argis replied, reaching for the mug of cold ale and taking a hearty pull.

"I think she likes torturing us. She tells the world she'd looking for marriage, and every time anyone asked her about it, she just smiles and begins talking about something else! It's maddening, I tell you." Vilkas took a long drink of ale before placing the mug on the table.

"One of the most powerful women in Tamriel is looking for a partner and knows… knows for all the Gods' sake, that every eligible man or woman is interested, and what does she do? I'll tell you what she does. She just smiles…" Argis began, only to be interrupted by Vilkas.

"And asked us to carry something!" Vilkas chimed in. "Last week it was a few dragon bones. Yesterday, it was her son, and"

"Don't get me started on the kids," Argis interrupted. "Great kids. Would love to call them mine. Every time she brings them to Markarth, that little Lucia is like a breath of fresh air. Fiesty, just like her mama. And that Alesan is going to be a fine warrior someday. A strong young man."

The two men grew silent for a while, each lost in their own thoughts of the Dragonborn, marriage, family…

"She drives me crazy, you know? I've followed her around for almost a year now. To the tops of mountain… To the deepest bowels of the earth… We've fought dragons and deadra…"

Their conversation was interrupted when a comely nord woman sat down across the table from them.

"I've been wearing my Amulet of Mara for almost six months now and she hasn't even noticed. I don't think anyone has noticed. Am I that invisible?"

"No Lydia. And don't take this the wrong way, it's just that when she's in the room… Well, even you can't keep your eyes from her," he remarked, effectively catching her eyes following her Thane around the room.

"I swear if she doesn't pick someone soon I will loose what is left of my mind," Argis sighed.

"I am right there with you, my friend," Lydia signed, eyes still locked on her Thane.

"Have you met that new guy? The one she picked up in Riften? Marcurio or something like that, I think," Vilkas said, taking another drink of his ale.

"The mage? Yea, she brought him by the house a few weeks ago. And guess what, he was carrying some dragon scales…"

Laughter rolled around the table, which caused the Dragonborn, their Dovakin, Thane, and Companion to turn and glance their way. Her lips quirked up in a quick smile before she returned her attention to her current companion, the Jarl of Whiterun.

"He's another one," Lydia said, keeping her voice low. "In case you haven't noticed, there is no "Mrs. Jarl" if you know what I mean. And he's always sending messages to the house asking her to visit and offer advice about one thing or another."

"A Jarl? We should all just go back home and drink till we pass out…" Argis muttered before taking another drink.

"Oh, but her kids don't get along with the Jarl's kids. That's why I'm pretty sure she'd never agree to be with him. Her kids are far more important to her than being a "Mrs. Jarl"," Lydia said matter-o-factly.

"She is a good mother," Argis said.

"The best," Vilkas agreed.

"Do you think she would agree to have more?" Argis asked.

"I think it would be hard to tie her down like that. She's always saying there is no rest until Skyrim is free," Lydia replied.

"The war, the dragons… the vampires…" Argis made a disgusted face as he said the last.

"Aye," was all Vilkas could think to say. But family, children, that woman as his… He looked around and knew that everyone there was thinking the exact same thing. And then he heard…

"Jarl, dear, I need to trade some things with you,"…

They were all doomed. Doomed….


	5. Chapter 5

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

By: Emantsal

Chapter 5 – The Home and Garden Show: Step One – Buy Some Land

The land was beautiful. Between Whiterun and Falkreath, it was easily accessible by wagon.

And it was on a bluff, overlooking a lake. A beautiful lake. And oh, the fish she could catch and fry!

The house would be resplendent when she finished. Two stories with everything she needed. Room for everything and everyone…

And a real kitchen, not just a pot in the middle of the floor or fireplace. By the nine… a real oven! It was enough to make her swoon!

She had the coin and she'd been hording building materials for almost a year. Her little house in Whiterun was overrun with barrels of nails, hinges, locks, goat horns, animal pelts…She'd had to move the children down to Markarth, but even that house was becoming crowded. She'd had to move the enchanting station into her own bedroom when she adopted Alesan. The girls, Lucia and Sofie shared a room.

 _Why does Alesan get his own room? Do you like boys better than girls? I was here first!_

 _Do you really want me to put another bed in your room?_

 _No… but it's not fair he get his own room._

 _Who in the world ever said anything was fair._

And poor Argis, not only was he the housecarl, he was now a full time babysitter. Except for those times she needed him to accompany her into a ruin, or a cave, or… Then she brought Lydia down from Whiterun.

She loved the girls but didn't put up with any of their crap. And the same went for Alesan. And Lydia knew a little about being adopted. She had a brother that was adopted and knew firsthand how tough it could be assimilating into a new family. She was a perfect Nanny… and she could also defend her Thane's family like a mother bear.

The kids could each have their own bedroom. And a play room. And she could hire a tutor and…

Oh, and she could have chickens, goats, cows… her own horse…

Sitting down on a large flat rock, she took the house plans from her pack and unrolled them, placing them next to her. The plans included a great room with a huge hearth that could heat the entire house. The children's bedrooms were on the first floor on the other side of the great room from the kitchen. In the back was an enormous storage area for anything and everything she needed to keep.

She was especially excited about the basement where she would have her own forge and smelter. Oh the things she would be able to do… weapons, armor… and _jewelry…. Oh the jewelry…_

Upstairs would be the master bedroom and guest rooms, along with a place for her enchantment station.

Taking an apple from her pack, she munched on it as she day dreamed and let the sunshine warm her, both outside and inside. Her own place in the world….

Lumber. She would need lumber. Lots and lots of lumber. And stones. And clay. And roofing thatch. And… maybe she didn't have enough coin. Maybe she needed to save a little longer...

No. She would go to Riverwood tomorrow and speak to Gerder and Hod about the lumber she would need. Markarth would have stone workers. And Falkreath had laborers.

It would all work out. She would have a home, a real home with children, love, laughter, and…

 _You know you need to make a decision. Who will it be?_

 _Couldn't I just have a harem? An all male harem?_

 _Don't think that would look real good for the kids…_

 _Shut up brain…_

 _No, you shut up libido…_

 _You're being especially quite heart…_

 _Because I know which_ _one_ _it should be. I'm just waiting for the rest of you to figure it out…_

 _You're all killing me… arg!_

 _I think I need a drink…_


	6. Chapter 6

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

By: Emantsal

Chapter 6 – Terrifying and Exhilarating

"Sofia, give your sister back the hair brush," she heard his deep voice as she entered the house, patience evident in every word he spoke. She knew he was exasperated with the 9 year old, but you never heard him raise his voice. Always gentle, he was a rock she could lean on, someone she trusted her children's lives with.

"You're not my dad! I don't have to listen to you!" Sofia yelled, already running to jump on the bed with the hair brush held high over her head. She heard a crash and could just imagine 10 year old Lucia throwing herself onto the bed and tackling her sister, trying to wrestle the brush back.

The child's honest remark made her heart clinch. True, he wasn't their father, but wasn't that basically what she'd asked him to do? Be a father figure to her children? He could be their real father if she'd just make up her mind…

She walked quietly to just outside the door to the girl's room to see what would happen. How did he deal with her high spirited children without going totally insane?

"We could just shave your heads and that would eliminate the need for a brush," he said, a little louder but still so very calm. It was that subtle off center kind of humor that she'd always really appreciated in him. "You girls go on outside and I'll get the shears and my razor and meet you by the shed. We'll be done in no time and then we can go to town and get those supplies you both wanted. Although, I suppose you can cross off 'hair ribbons' from the list since you won't be needing them."

"We're just playing! See!" Lucia was the first to try to fix the situation. "Sofia just wanted to brush my hair and I said it was my turn to brush her hair." She could picture the child's bright smile as she cooked up a good scheme to get out of trouble. "I know! Let's go brush Alesan's hair!" And with that the two girls were off the bed and out of the house to find their brother.

"With any luck he's hiding in the attic," the deep voice rumbled when the girls had darted out the door.

"I need to give you a raise," Mila Ironfist said entering the girl's room where her big warrior was straightening a delicate lace doily on one of the night stands.

"You need to marry me," he replied, straightening the bed cover from where the girls had just had a wrestling match. Not even looking back to where she stood by the door, he picked up a red velvet ribbon off the floor and placed it on the pillow.

"I know. But - "

"No butts," he said. Turning, he walked over and pulling her into his arms, hard against his solidly muscled chest, locking his arms around her back. When she thought to argue, he silenced her with a kiss so scorching hot she didn't even know when her arms went up around his neck.

"ARGIS!" Alesan yelled as the front door flew open and the boy ran inside, quickly followed by two giggling young girls hot on his heels. "Help! They want to put flowers in my hair!"

He skidded to a sudden stop at the sight of his mother and Argis locked in a kiss.

"Ewwwww! Gross!"

"Not again!" Sofia giggled, coming to a sudden halt and dramatically putting her hands over her eyes. Ever the little drama queen Mila thought amusedly.

Lucia just smiled and looked at them both, saying, "Well?"

Letting his arms slide slowly from around her, Argis turned to the children and said, "Your mom just got back and she'd tired and smells kinda like horse. Why don't we let her get a bath and then we can show her what we made last week." He wiggled his eyebrows up and down at them hopefully reminding them it was supposed to be a surprise.

He'd helped the kids build a tree fort last week and they'd spent most of the weekend up there snacking on treats they sneaked from the kitchen.

"Oh yeah! Mom, you gotta see what we did while you were gone!" Alesan started only to be interrupted by his sisters.

"Mom, you'll never guess what we made!"

"It's the best thing ever!"

"She' doesn't smell like a horse. She smells like skeletons!" Sofia quipped as her children crowded around for a quick hug before rushing back out the door, but not before they made her promise to hurry and come see "the best thing ever!"

"I feel like a small tornado just blew through the house," Mila smiled, sighing. She was tied and did smell like horse. Horse and skeletons. And maybe a little drauger thrown in for good measure.

"And I wouldn't have it any other way," Argis said, moving behind her to pull her back against his chest, strong arms cradling her. "They're lives are full of joy and laughter now. No more wondering where their next meal will come from. No more sleeping in the cold streets. No more feeling like no one cares and they don't matter to anyone. And you," he added, giving her a squeeze, "made it all possible."

"You sound like you know a little about what they must have felt like," she replied, leaning back and turning her head to look up at him.

"Just a little," he whispered against her hair. "And no, I don't want to talk about it."

"OK," she said, then added, "Lydia will watch the kids. Want to help me get a bath?" She really had missed him. It seemed like ages since she'd been home.

She liked the sound of that. Home. Not just a place, but a state of being. She had lots of houses scattered across Skyrim, but this place was home. Her children were here, and…. he was here. And it made all the difference in the world.

Turning around, she just looked up at him and smiled. It was a crazy smile. It was a wild smile. It was a "WoW, I just solved the mysteries of the universe" smile.

"What?" he asked, wondering if he really wanted to know. The smile on her face and the look in her eye said something big was about to happen. Almost as big as the first time she took him dragon hunting. And that had been both terrifying and exhilarating. He braced himself and asked again, "What?"

'Yes."

And suddenly he couldn't stop smiling himself. Picking her up he twirled them around and around before stopping to kiss the daylights out of her.

Yep. Terrifying and exhilarating pretty much summed it up nicely.


End file.
